school started today, and well it just sucks.
I hate my English teacher with a passion already, and i don't think he will add anything to what i know about Enligsh. He will just make the subject i love annoying and irrating with his lack of creativity and his obvious lack of reading. Why do people who don't read teach English, becuase all they will do is suck at it. And suck hard they will.
Like i know he is going to try to inproove our grammer and that kind of stuff, but don't be so boring with no... with none of the magic English has to offer. One could write oneself into another world if one wanted to, and many people do. This is why we have such crap books coming out latley, becuase the people who write them had horrible English teachers and never thaught them anything about the creative kind of writing. Which baffles me, it's not that different from expository writing. You have to plot out your stories to make them make sennce, you have to create a whole world that can be beiliable, you have to use a constant voice, you have to use things said in the begining in different part of the story so i won't be taken out and so that you don't look stupid only saying it once and never agin ( like if the charectes favoite color is red and then it's blue?!?!). A writer has to persade the audienence into liking or disking the charecters by showing and giving reasons why, and the ryhthum of the story has to be stable. Not too boring. Not too fast. And then there is the ending that makes or breaks the entier thing, it's very important. It's almost like writing an essay, a long detailed essay that is fun to write ( sometimes)
So why don't we write more creative things in English class, i don't know. People are stupid and can't think for themselves. That's proabaly right, but i think it would be better for us to write more creative things than expository text becuase one is funner and still gives you most of the skills of writing the other. Some people just don't know how to connect the dots of both the writings. They are the same in many ways. Both have a begining, middle, and an end. Each has to have specific things in those things , introdcution ( begining), more drama/ kep points and explinations ( middle) the awesome ending tieing everything together / colclsuion resting alll points ( end) Makes sence doesn't it. I wish i went to a different school. Stupid GLS's, they make English difficult to teach, before high school it can be fun, but after that there is no chance of it. Of course a teacher could try to make it fun, make the time, but no. They never do and never will.
Anyway, i have English with trevor and he was suppsed to be in my phyical science class too, but i guess his schedule changed. And guess what, we had to write three things about ourself and then throw them around to see who would get them, and i got Trevor's. So he says, he fishes, he plays the guitar, he hunts everyday. I knew it was his right away by his hand writing and the pen. But mostly becuase i thought it said i hurt everyday instead of hunt. Ugh, everytime i see him feelings get turned around in me. Hatred, affection, loathing, adortion, missing, abondoment,... issolation. I end uo geting irrated with him very easily, he did abandon me after all when i needed him the most, and that's what i remember when i see him. Abandonment.
With school starting again Charles might not work out after all because he can't call me durring school and he is never on myspace before it's time for me to go to sleep so i can wake up at the right time in the morning. And i have a couple of gay dudes in my classes, all of them would never take me and one of them is BI and is dating a girl. Well he was BI, i don't know if he changed back to straight or not yet. As i was saying, i don't know if i can do this with him... i don't want to have to wait for him, wondering if he's going to call me and if he ever will actaully see me. It's all just so complicated and i don't think he wants that. No one ever does, good thing they leave me before they can find out how complicated my life is and how much i hate it.
Wwriting will commence again on friday, and i'm soo excited about it, but am annoyed that people just talk to me about it when they have nothing to talk about or have no one else to take to. Like sirously, why talk to me about it, i'm not going to talk to you about it becuase you won't understand and i'm not giving away the only thing that is mine. That was why i almost went phyco when Jason almost put water on the manucript, that's why i almost went phyco when Brent read it without my permition , that's why when people ask me about what it's about i say stuff becauce i don't want them to know. They would just do the head knod anyway, nothing specail just a nod. Even though they all say they want to read it when it's finished. I'm not stupid. And the only person i wanted to read it i hate now... i really wanted Trevor to read it a lot, he said he wanted to, but now that he knows i don't think he will. Tooo busy hunting and fishing to care. Side note, hate anything that kills animals when he don't need to ( becuase i eat meat but can go veggy if i wanted to) and finshing and hunting is on the top of the list. Killing for sport is what future physopaths do, even if it is accepted as normal behavoir down here. Another thing, how can killing be fun, you're taking a life that did nothing to you but live. Eat something else, there's surplus of food everywhere in the US anyway and any civilized country. Yes i know that some places in the world they have to hunt, and that's okay becuase they need it to live... the food chain i guess... but not for sport. Who hunts for sport, i know, neanderthals.
The accents down here are getting on my last nerve, i can here lots of them now. One of my teachers need to go to speach class to at least make her's less noticable becuase i can't take it anymore. It bleeds to ears.
Back to the people reading my writing, for the most part i don't want them to becuase they don't even try to anaylze it or think about it or do anything to it save for reading it and then giving me an empty nod and "that's good". That's why i post my stuff on FP when i want to and on here becuase sometimes people do that( and myspace too becuase i met some smart people on there and he said my poety is good in some words and i knew he was looking into it when he read it, it made me happy... too bad he isn't gay! and i thought he was, guess i'm always wrong>)
If i am ever published i don't know who i would dedicate LID to, i use to think i knew... i wanted it to be Karina, but we aren't really freinds anymore soo and i thought about trevor, but then he abanoded me, and then... then i don't know who i would dedicate the book to. Maybe i would dedicate it to my frist reader, which would be bellacullen or sunshine what ever becuase i can never remeber her name, they would DEFF be in the ackoledments becuase they gave me the encorigment i needed back then. Not so much now, i think that's why i'm so relcuant to start, no one ever gives me advice or trys to help me or says something worthy of complimentation ( not just good, i want a reall damn answer ) so i guess my motivation dired up and all there's left is the want to be finhsed editing. In the begining of Writing Hell i thought Karina and I would bounce ideas off each other, offer adivice, give compliments, give tough critism and help each other out. Turns out that didn't happen in the slightest; i was alone for most of it,no help, no advice, to crit and i was writing it all for her at the time. I wanted to know what she would say, how she would react, what i might have done wrong; she was my aduienece. But what happens when your audience leaves you? Well, you have to write for yourslef, and myself hates my writing. Most of the time .
Now i might deciate it to the new freind, Trey is his name , becuase just that one compliment gave me the want to start writing again , gave me the want to do everything and flesh out so he could read it and so he could be amazed by it. I'm still going to dedicate Tree/ Bridge to Karina, it's always been her book. She claimed it when she thought Andy was funny and wanted to see more. Secrets Kill/ Life of Lies/ Life is Dandy has never fit into a heart except mine and no one has really clamied it. If i ever get published this will be a difficult decison to make.
now i think i have wasted enough time on this.
not like anyone reads it anyway.
I hate my English teacher with a passion already, and i don't think he will add anything to what i know about Enligsh. He will just make the subject i love annoying and irrating with his lack of creativity and his obvious lack of reading. Why do people who don't read teach English, becuase all they will do is suck at it. And suck hard they will.
Like i know he is going to try to inproove our grammer and that kind of stuff, but don't be so boring with no... with none of the magic English has to offer. One could write oneself into another world if one wanted to, and many people do. This is why we have such crap books coming out latley, becuase the people who write them had horrible English teachers and never thaught them anything about the creative kind of writing. Which baffles me, it's not that different from expository writing. You have to plot out your stories to make them make sennce, you have to create a whole world that can be beiliable, you have to use a constant voice, you have to use things said in the begining in different part of the story so i won't be taken out and so that you don't look stupid only saying it once and never agin ( like if the charectes favoite color is red and then it's blue?!?!). A writer has to persade the audienence into liking or disking the charecters by showing and giving reasons why, and the ryhthum of the story has to be stable. Not too boring. Not too fast. And then there is the ending that makes or breaks the entier thing, it's very important. It's almost like writing an essay, a long detailed essay that is fun to write ( sometimes)
So why don't we write more creative things in English class, i don't know. People are stupid and can't think for themselves. That's proabaly right, but i think it would be better for us to write more creative things than expository text becuase one is funner and still gives you most of the skills of writing the other. Some people just don't know how to connect the dots of both the writings. They are the same in many ways. Both have a begining, middle, and an end. Each has to have specific things in those things , introdcution ( begining), more drama/ kep points and explinations ( middle) the awesome ending tieing everything together / colclsuion resting alll points ( end) Makes sence doesn't it. I wish i went to a different school. Stupid GLS's, they make English difficult to teach, before high school it can be fun, but after that there is no chance of it. Of course a teacher could try to make it fun, make the time, but no. They never do and never will.
Anyway, i have English with trevor and he was suppsed to be in my phyical science class too, but i guess his schedule changed. And guess what, we had to write three things about ourself and then throw them around to see who would get them, and i got Trevor's. So he says, he fishes, he plays the guitar, he hunts everyday. I knew it was his right away by his hand writing and the pen. But mostly becuase i thought it said i hurt everyday instead of hunt. Ugh, everytime i see him feelings get turned around in me. Hatred, affection, loathing, adortion, missing, abondoment,... issolation. I end uo geting irrated with him very easily, he did abandon me after all when i needed him the most, and that's what i remember when i see him. Abandonment.
With school starting again Charles might not work out after all because he can't call me durring school and he is never on myspace before it's time for me to go to sleep so i can wake up at the right time in the morning. And i have a couple of gay dudes in my classes, all of them would never take me and one of them is BI and is dating a girl. Well he was BI, i don't know if he changed back to straight or not yet. As i was saying, i don't know if i can do this with him... i don't want to have to wait for him, wondering if he's going to call me and if he ever will actaully see me. It's all just so complicated and i don't think he wants that. No one ever does, good thing they leave me before they can find out how complicated my life is and how much i hate it.
Wwriting will commence again on friday, and i'm soo excited about it, but am annoyed that people just talk to me about it when they have nothing to talk about or have no one else to take to. Like sirously, why talk to me about it, i'm not going to talk to you about it becuase you won't understand and i'm not giving away the only thing that is mine. That was why i almost went phyco when Jason almost put water on the manucript, that's why i almost went phyco when Brent read it without my permition , that's why when people ask me about what it's about i say stuff becauce i don't want them to know. They would just do the head knod anyway, nothing specail just a nod. Even though they all say they want to read it when it's finished. I'm not stupid. And the only person i wanted to read it i hate now... i really wanted Trevor to read it a lot, he said he wanted to, but now that he knows i don't think he will. Tooo busy hunting and fishing to care. Side note, hate anything that kills animals when he don't need to ( becuase i eat meat but can go veggy if i wanted to) and finshing and hunting is on the top of the list. Killing for sport is what future physopaths do, even if it is accepted as normal behavoir down here. Another thing, how can killing be fun, you're taking a life that did nothing to you but live. Eat something else, there's surplus of food everywhere in the US anyway and any civilized country. Yes i know that some places in the world they have to hunt, and that's okay becuase they need it to live... the food chain i guess... but not for sport. Who hunts for sport, i know, neanderthals.
The accents down here are getting on my last nerve, i can here lots of them now. One of my teachers need to go to speach class to at least make her's less noticable becuase i can't take it anymore. It bleeds to ears.
Back to the people reading my writing, for the most part i don't want them to becuase they don't even try to anaylze it or think about it or do anything to it save for reading it and then giving me an empty nod and "that's good". That's why i post my stuff on FP when i want to and on here becuase sometimes people do that( and myspace too becuase i met some smart people on there and he said my poety is good in some words and i knew he was looking into it when he read it, it made me happy... too bad he isn't gay! and i thought he was, guess i'm always wrong>)
If i am ever published i don't know who i would dedicate LID to, i use to think i knew... i wanted it to be Karina, but we aren't really freinds anymore soo and i thought about trevor, but then he abanoded me, and then... then i don't know who i would dedicate the book to. Maybe i would dedicate it to my frist reader, which would be bellacullen or sunshine what ever becuase i can never remeber her name, they would DEFF be in the ackoledments becuase they gave me the encorigment i needed back then. Not so much now, i think that's why i'm so relcuant to start, no one ever gives me advice or trys to help me or says something worthy of complimentation ( not just good, i want a reall damn answer ) so i guess my motivation dired up and all there's left is the want to be finhsed editing. In the begining of Writing Hell i thought Karina and I would bounce ideas off each other, offer adivice, give compliments, give tough critism and help each other out. Turns out that didn't happen in the slightest; i was alone for most of it,no help, no advice, to crit and i was writing it all for her at the time. I wanted to know what she would say, how she would react, what i might have done wrong; she was my aduienece. But what happens when your audience leaves you? Well, you have to write for yourslef, and myself hates my writing. Most of the time .
Now i might deciate it to the new freind, Trey is his name , becuase just that one compliment gave me the want to start writing again , gave me the want to do everything and flesh out so he could read it and so he could be amazed by it. I'm still going to dedicate Tree/ Bridge to Karina, it's always been her book. She claimed it when she thought Andy was funny and wanted to see more. Secrets Kill/ Life of Lies/ Life is Dandy has never fit into a heart except mine and no one has really clamied it. If i ever get published this will be a difficult decison to make.
now i think i have wasted enough time on this.
not like anyone reads it anyway.
- Location:moms house
- Mood:
crushed
soo i sent chalres a message on myspace saying that i don't think we are going to work out, but guess what it's the new year and.....
i have been single for the whole year, infact i have been single for a year and a half :( i hate holidays like this where kissing is involved, becuase i never get to be a part of it and never will
i have been single for the whole year, infact i have been single for a year and a half :( i hate holidays like this where kissing is involved, becuase i never get to be a part of it and never will
- Location:moms house
- Mood: crappy
I went into my bedroom. To me looked kinda like the room of a nine-year-old, with the stuffed animals surrounding my reading corner and the lite pink walls that would not have been my choice, but couldn't change. I doubt that the person we were renting from would appreciate suddenly dark blue walls.
I thought all of this as I walked into my room and closed the door. I saw the bright orange post-it note my mom must have been talking about on my dresser drawer, standing out in contrast to the dark red-brown of the wood. It said what the guy's name was, Cole Dennel, had called and what his number was. Cole Dennel? Even as I racked my memory, I knew that I hadn't ever heard that name before. Maybe it was a wrong number. Call him back and tell him that or just forget about it?
For some reason even now I don't truly know, I picked up the phone and entered the number given. I looked at my closed door, then at the phone and hit the little green phone that signified talk. Taking a breath, I raised it to my ear and heard it ring once. Twice. I released my breath and was about to hit end when someone picked up.
"Hello? Is this Natalie?" said a young guy on the other end. The first thing that entered my mind was is voice. It was like a lot of guys in high schools voices. Deepening but his didn't crack like my friends. Then the knowledge that he knew my name. How the heck did this stranger know that? When I didn't reply right away he asked if I was still there.
"Sorry. Yeah, this is. Who is this?" When he confirmed that his name was Cole, I replied. "I don't think you have the right Natalie. Or maybe the Natalie you want changed her number? You might want t-"
"This may sound weird but I have to ask." he said, interrupting me in the middle of my word. I frowned at the interruption and the serious tone his voice had taken. "Have you ever had something happen to you that didn't seem...natural? Like a vision, or being able to see and hear things other people can't or-"
My gut had frozen over when he had said "vision" and now I said "you definitely have the wrong Natalie. I'm sorry, goodbye" before hanging up quickly and turning off my phone.
I shivered, not because of the cold but I pretended it was and threw on a sweater before heading down stairs to get something sweet to eat. I tried to act like everything was normal but I knew that something big had just gone and I was not going to like it. Not one bit.
~ ~ ~
p.s. I know this isn't as good as the last, and I'm sorry. But please comment because I would like to improve.
I thought all of this as I walked into my room and closed the door. I saw the bright orange post-it note my mom must have been talking about on my dresser drawer, standing out in contrast to the dark red-brown of the wood. It said what the guy's name was, Cole Dennel, had called and what his number was. Cole Dennel? Even as I racked my memory, I knew that I hadn't ever heard that name before. Maybe it was a wrong number. Call him back and tell him that or just forget about it?
For some reason even now I don't truly know, I picked up the phone and entered the number given. I looked at my closed door, then at the phone and hit the little green phone that signified talk. Taking a breath, I raised it to my ear and heard it ring once. Twice. I released my breath and was about to hit end when someone picked up.
"Hello? Is this Natalie?" said a young guy on the other end. The first thing that entered my mind was is voice. It was like a lot of guys in high schools voices. Deepening but his didn't crack like my friends. Then the knowledge that he knew my name. How the heck did this stranger know that? When I didn't reply right away he asked if I was still there.
"Sorry. Yeah, this is. Who is this?" When he confirmed that his name was Cole, I replied. "I don't think you have the right Natalie. Or maybe the Natalie you want changed her number? You might want t-"
"This may sound weird but I have to ask." he said, interrupting me in the middle of my word. I frowned at the interruption and the serious tone his voice had taken. "Have you ever had something happen to you that didn't seem...natural? Like a vision, or being able to see and hear things other people can't or-"
My gut had frozen over when he had said "vision" and now I said "you definitely have the wrong Natalie. I'm sorry, goodbye" before hanging up quickly and turning off my phone.
I shivered, not because of the cold but I pretended it was and threw on a sweater before heading down stairs to get something sweet to eat. I tried to act like everything was normal but I knew that something big had just gone and I was not going to like it. Not one bit.
~ ~ ~
p.s. I know this isn't as good as the last, and I'm sorry. But please comment because I would like to improve.
- Mood:
blah - Music:Evanescence
is the boy that i have been talking to.
Do you remmeber Charles, the one who i am intrested in and the one who is too scared to do anything with me becuase of the stupid LAW, of which i hate, well ever since we met i have been having these little notions of things i don't really like about him.
1) he is obviously a racist against African Americans becuase he always uses the N word, and wants to move away from where he lives beacuase they have some many of them in the visnity, he said he loves where i lived beacuase there are no black people here... for which i am shameful of.
2) he drinks, a lot, and today he told me he has a colletction of bear and whiskey boddles and well i don't like people who drink excessuvly.They remind me of my parnets, bring back bad memoiries, and annoy me and i hate them with a passion that would melt the sun. So, that is a turn off, though he doesn't know that at all. and i think if he would know that about me he wouldn't be interested in me at all.
3) he has an obvious temper as i was told about today when he told me about how he broke down doors when he got mad at his roomate. Now, i have lived with enough crazy, insane, tempers for my whole life and i don't want to bring that into my life, i don't have to worry if i'm going to live another day with him, i don't want to have to cry about my life and how i always end up in the abyss of destruction.
4) He smokes, well i don't really care about this one at all, but it annoys me that everyone i know would smoke and i would be around their secondhand smoke which would dimish my health considerbly and my life expectancy =. But who cares about my life, who cares when i die. i would like it to be sooner rather than later myself.
5) and this is just picky, but his accent annoys the fuck out of me, and i can accept that i realy can but with all of these flaws that i can't really accept everything it apllified to the tenth power.
now i wouldn't care he he drank if it wasn't stupid colletcion of whisky bottle acholhosimness
and i don't really care if he smokes or his accent, but the others are deal breakers
things don't ever seems to get bettter for me. and i don't think they ever will.
He was supposed to call me tonight before i went to sleep, and i'm about to go to sleep at midnight, and he still hasn't called
just like yesterday i watied all day for him to call me back but he never did. Never. And this is taking sleep away from me, waiting for a guy who likes me but is too afraid to do anything and hos habbits that is abore.
I hate sleep anyway, it makes me dream of Trevor... and anything concerning him is travesty
Do you remmeber Charles, the one who i am intrested in and the one who is too scared to do anything with me becuase of the stupid LAW, of which i hate, well ever since we met i have been having these little notions of things i don't really like about him.
1) he is obviously a racist against African Americans becuase he always uses the N word, and wants to move away from where he lives beacuase they have some many of them in the visnity, he said he loves where i lived beacuase there are no black people here... for which i am shameful of.
2) he drinks, a lot, and today he told me he has a colletction of bear and whiskey boddles and well i don't like people who drink excessuvly.They remind me of my parnets, bring back bad memoiries, and annoy me and i hate them with a passion that would melt the sun. So, that is a turn off, though he doesn't know that at all. and i think if he would know that about me he wouldn't be interested in me at all.
3) he has an obvious temper as i was told about today when he told me about how he broke down doors when he got mad at his roomate. Now, i have lived with enough crazy, insane, tempers for my whole life and i don't want to bring that into my life, i don't have to worry if i'm going to live another day with him, i don't want to have to cry about my life and how i always end up in the abyss of destruction.
4) He smokes, well i don't really care about this one at all, but it annoys me that everyone i know would smoke and i would be around their secondhand smoke which would dimish my health considerbly and my life expectancy =. But who cares about my life, who cares when i die. i would like it to be sooner rather than later myself.
5) and this is just picky, but his accent annoys the fuck out of me, and i can accept that i realy can but with all of these flaws that i can't really accept everything it apllified to the tenth power.
now i wouldn't care he he drank if it wasn't stupid colletcion of whisky bottle acholhosimness
and i don't really care if he smokes or his accent, but the others are deal breakers
things don't ever seems to get bettter for me. and i don't think they ever will.
He was supposed to call me tonight before i went to sleep, and i'm about to go to sleep at midnight, and he still hasn't called
just like yesterday i watied all day for him to call me back but he never did. Never. And this is taking sleep away from me, waiting for a guy who likes me but is too afraid to do anything and hos habbits that is abore.
I hate sleep anyway, it makes me dream of Trevor... and anything concerning him is travesty
- Location:mom's house
- Mood: cold
ugh, so let me recap my HORRIBLE christmas eve for you guys because it was just horrible and deserves to nominated for an oscer for WORST CHRISTMAS EVE EVER becuase it was just, well horrible
well let me start by saying a day or so before christmas eve i posted a bulliten on myspace officaily saying that i am bi to everyone who was on my mspace at the time becuase i was talking to my cousin Michelle and i told her and she told me that everyone in my family knew already and there was no since in hiding it. I knew that, i just didn't know everyone knew so i was walking on egg shells everytime we would all meet togethor, so i posted that i myspace becuase i didn't care anymore. Horrible decision, why do i get so rash when i get happy? I was very hapy at the time and i could actaully smile becuase last weekend i was approuched by some gay people over myspace and that made me happy. One of them being Charles, which i will get to later. So i was happy, so i made the wrong decion, so i shouldn't have trusted my family when i thought eveything was going to be fine this christmas. It wasn't.
It turns out some people didn't know and when they found out they sent me messages on myspace; they were both from my autns. One of them is always nice, one of them i can tell is a bitch when she is at home and is sometimes mean when we are all togethor. I guess she just wanted to warn me about predetors and stuff but i didn't care becuase i know i can take care of myself, so i just read over that one... reading the mean tone behind it then went into the nice one from my other aunt. She was nicer about it, and that made me a little hapier. But i read them on christmas eve eve, and that didn't really make my day or the day after it. It was just the begining.
The next day, in the morning, was great. It was like my family decided to switch personalites over the holidays becuase this never happens with the Blanchard's. They are the nice and accpping ones. Not this year. Once at my other family things were calm, but the nice aunt was there and i can see it in her eyes, the message she sent me, and the rest of the night followed as suit. Things didn't really get bad until after we opened presents and my cousins put a ribbon around my neck. Now, you would have had to see this ribon but i guess it made me look gay... and that's when things turned south. They started texting to eachother, and i GUESS ( i don't know this for sure, not at all but i have a hunch about it and i'm pretty sure it is true) that they were texting rude things about me becuase... not soon after things got really bad.
I must have been in the back room talking to Charles when this happene becuase i didn't hear or see this, but it happened i found out latter. The mean aunt and my now disowned farther got in a heated argument over me. Can you belive that, now i don't really know if she is a hater... my dad thinks she is, but i don't want to belive him. Can't bring myself to do it. He lies too much to me anyway. So, not long after that everyone left and i was left alone with my new ribbon ( becacuse by then my other cousin had torn the other one off) and a bow on my head, and i could hear the nice aunt and my dad talking about me. ME! In the kitchen and how the others were talking about me. That is how i got the hunch about them texing about me. Then my grandmother who is like 80 and has parcensens disease came talk to me, and guess what, she found out too, but she thinks it is a lie. She told me that my cousin Michelle can be mean at times. That i could say nothing to. there was nothing to say. Nothing to do, i should have ran after that, but no. I stayed. I stayed and was beaten.
We left in the truck and he didn't even get home before he started yelling at me to take off the things about being bi from my myspace, i took the builiten off that morning but by then anyone important had already read it. But i wasn't taking off the bi things. Nope. But i didn't say that at the time, and when i tried saying it's just this state ( Louisiana) that is this bad with bi/gay/lesbian people he swerved and almost took us off the road. When i got home all i wanted to do was cry, so i went in my room to cry alone but he didn't let me, eh started up again and thins time talking about how i could get killed, that people will want to kill me, how i don't even know i'm bi. He even went to as far to tell me i'm not a vampire. Then when i said something along the lines of "Being in the closet is the worst feeing i have ever felt" He exploded and stragled me to show me how i could be killed.
Strangled me, oh that is not all folks there's more!!
He then flew off into the kitchen and came back waving a steak knife at me, saying that if i'm going to be bi i should just kill him. Then he threw the knife down ont he floor but it could have easily came to me becuase he waved it wayyyyy over to me before that. And then he started talking about sex and how it's dangerouns and how he hasn't had it for two years, and how i don't need to have it, and then he went off on how i think i'm special, and then he went off on how everyone thinks it's cute to be bi.
Now, readers of my jounral, do people think it's CUTE to be bi, tell me oh wise people of my journal. Have i ever encountered a person to tell me that, or have i been delt with dissopiment, dissaporval, disgust, and hatred ever since coming out.
Though i did meet a girl last weeked to say it was cute, but i think she was despreat becuase she had just moved to the area, plus she looks like a fucking slut from her picturs.
Anyway, this tirade went off for a little while longer and it was wayy pass midight when i went to sleep, i was very cold and we didn't have a heater that night. And when i woke up for christmas alll i felt was the need to get out, get out becuase i was never going back. I didn't get half the books i wanted for christmas. Not even half of them. I should know, i wanted 44 and i think i got like 15. All i really ask is for books, and he didn't even get me that becuase he was trying to censor my book list. He told me that the night before. I. Am.Furious.
I stayed an hour, hour and a half tops at his house before RUNNING over to my mom's husband tuck. And when i got to her house i thought i forgot my jumpdrive and my cellphone, but it turns out i didn't. I was just in a horrible state.
And when i told my mother about this, she didn't really care... and when my grandmother ( the one i thought i could trust) came over and she had found out and was smiling and laughing while talking about it, my heart broke. How can you smile and laugh at such a thing. I have no family. None. I'm never going back to my dad's house. Ever
Now back to Charles, he and i well we both like each other, but the law is too big for him. He's too scared to even try; he's too safe for anything; he's too much of a damn pussy. So, he's going to try dating a 27 year old when he's 19 >:O, now if that's legal why can't i date him and he's only two years and nine months younger than him UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THE LAW IS STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so, i'm going to be alone for forever i have deduced.
forever waiting to find people who will never love me
forever wanting to have someone touch me with their love
forever in the land of solitude
i'll wait
until i'm dead
and then i'll waite
some more
well let me start by saying a day or so before christmas eve i posted a bulliten on myspace officaily saying that i am bi to everyone who was on my mspace at the time becuase i was talking to my cousin Michelle and i told her and she told me that everyone in my family knew already and there was no since in hiding it. I knew that, i just didn't know everyone knew so i was walking on egg shells everytime we would all meet togethor, so i posted that i myspace becuase i didn't care anymore. Horrible decision, why do i get so rash when i get happy? I was very hapy at the time and i could actaully smile becuase last weekend i was approuched by some gay people over myspace and that made me happy. One of them being Charles, which i will get to later. So i was happy, so i made the wrong decion, so i shouldn't have trusted my family when i thought eveything was going to be fine this christmas. It wasn't.
It turns out some people didn't know and when they found out they sent me messages on myspace; they were both from my autns. One of them is always nice, one of them i can tell is a bitch when she is at home and is sometimes mean when we are all togethor. I guess she just wanted to warn me about predetors and stuff but i didn't care becuase i know i can take care of myself, so i just read over that one... reading the mean tone behind it then went into the nice one from my other aunt. She was nicer about it, and that made me a little hapier. But i read them on christmas eve eve, and that didn't really make my day or the day after it. It was just the begining.
The next day, in the morning, was great. It was like my family decided to switch personalites over the holidays becuase this never happens with the Blanchard's. They are the nice and accpping ones. Not this year. Once at my other family things were calm, but the nice aunt was there and i can see it in her eyes, the message she sent me, and the rest of the night followed as suit. Things didn't really get bad until after we opened presents and my cousins put a ribbon around my neck. Now, you would have had to see this ribon but i guess it made me look gay... and that's when things turned south. They started texting to eachother, and i GUESS ( i don't know this for sure, not at all but i have a hunch about it and i'm pretty sure it is true) that they were texting rude things about me becuase... not soon after things got really bad.
I must have been in the back room talking to Charles when this happene becuase i didn't hear or see this, but it happened i found out latter. The mean aunt and my now disowned farther got in a heated argument over me. Can you belive that, now i don't really know if she is a hater... my dad thinks she is, but i don't want to belive him. Can't bring myself to do it. He lies too much to me anyway. So, not long after that everyone left and i was left alone with my new ribbon ( becacuse by then my other cousin had torn the other one off) and a bow on my head, and i could hear the nice aunt and my dad talking about me. ME! In the kitchen and how the others were talking about me. That is how i got the hunch about them texing about me. Then my grandmother who is like 80 and has parcensens disease came talk to me, and guess what, she found out too, but she thinks it is a lie. She told me that my cousin Michelle can be mean at times. That i could say nothing to. there was nothing to say. Nothing to do, i should have ran after that, but no. I stayed. I stayed and was beaten.
We left in the truck and he didn't even get home before he started yelling at me to take off the things about being bi from my myspace, i took the builiten off that morning but by then anyone important had already read it. But i wasn't taking off the bi things. Nope. But i didn't say that at the time, and when i tried saying it's just this state ( Louisiana) that is this bad with bi/gay/lesbian people he swerved and almost took us off the road. When i got home all i wanted to do was cry, so i went in my room to cry alone but he didn't let me, eh started up again and thins time talking about how i could get killed, that people will want to kill me, how i don't even know i'm bi. He even went to as far to tell me i'm not a vampire. Then when i said something along the lines of "Being in the closet is the worst feeing i have ever felt" He exploded and stragled me to show me how i could be killed.
Strangled me, oh that is not all folks there's more!!
He then flew off into the kitchen and came back waving a steak knife at me, saying that if i'm going to be bi i should just kill him. Then he threw the knife down ont he floor but it could have easily came to me becuase he waved it wayyyyy over to me before that. And then he started talking about sex and how it's dangerouns and how he hasn't had it for two years, and how i don't need to have it, and then he went off on how i think i'm special, and then he went off on how everyone thinks it's cute to be bi.
Now, readers of my jounral, do people think it's CUTE to be bi, tell me oh wise people of my journal. Have i ever encountered a person to tell me that, or have i been delt with dissopiment, dissaporval, disgust, and hatred ever since coming out.
Though i did meet a girl last weeked to say it was cute, but i think she was despreat becuase she had just moved to the area, plus she looks like a fucking slut from her picturs.
Anyway, this tirade went off for a little while longer and it was wayy pass midight when i went to sleep, i was very cold and we didn't have a heater that night. And when i woke up for christmas alll i felt was the need to get out, get out becuase i was never going back. I didn't get half the books i wanted for christmas. Not even half of them. I should know, i wanted 44 and i think i got like 15. All i really ask is for books, and he didn't even get me that becuase he was trying to censor my book list. He told me that the night before. I. Am.Furious.
I stayed an hour, hour and a half tops at his house before RUNNING over to my mom's husband tuck. And when i got to her house i thought i forgot my jumpdrive and my cellphone, but it turns out i didn't. I was just in a horrible state.
And when i told my mother about this, she didn't really care... and when my grandmother ( the one i thought i could trust) came over and she had found out and was smiling and laughing while talking about it, my heart broke. How can you smile and laugh at such a thing. I have no family. None. I'm never going back to my dad's house. Ever
Now back to Charles, he and i well we both like each other, but the law is too big for him. He's too scared to even try; he's too safe for anything; he's too much of a damn pussy. So, he's going to try dating a 27 year old when he's 19 >:O, now if that's legal why can't i date him and he's only two years and nine months younger than him UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THE LAW IS STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so, i'm going to be alone for forever i have deduced.
forever waiting to find people who will never love me
forever wanting to have someone touch me with their love
forever in the land of solitude
i'll wait
until i'm dead
and then i'll waite
some more
- Location:nanny's house
- Mood: crappy
Shivers wracked my body as the car drove on. My teeth chattered and I tried to still my shivering, only to feel my gut twitch, making my focus drop and a giant quake to escape. I gave a shacking sigh and said to my sister, "Holy crap it's cold in here! Can't you turn the heat up?"
"It's as hot as it can go right now, give it time hon." She smiled at me, turning her head from the road to look at me beside her, riding shotgun. "If I could turn it up more, don't you think I would have already?"
I gave another sigh but nodded. I knew she was right, but I really needed a distraction. It was so crappin' cold!
My sister must have figured what I was thinking, because she turned on the radio. It didn't help, but I was glad that she tried.
As I listened to the song, mumbling it under my breath, I turned and saw the moon. I'd always loved the moon, for no reason. It looked so strong and complete right now. It was almost full and lite up the winter sky like a light bulb.
I shivered and turned away because being so close to the window wasn't helping heat me up.
~ ~ ~
I jogged inside so I could warm up as much as possible, because I thought it necessary to feel all of my body parts, such as toes and fingers. As I closed the door and headed for the closet, taking off my coat while walking, I called out a greeting to my mom, working hard on the computer.
She called out that some kid had called well I was away and that she had scribbled out the number given, that it was in my room, and that I should call him back tonight. I frowned, thinking, Him? What guy is calling me? All my friends already had my cell number, so it was useless to call my home. And plus, I made it clear to all that I wasn't going to date, because I thought it was useless, so why was some guy who obviously didn't have my cell calling my home?
I went upstairs to find out.
"It's as hot as it can go right now, give it time hon." She smiled at me, turning her head from the road to look at me beside her, riding shotgun. "If I could turn it up more, don't you think I would have already?"
I gave another sigh but nodded. I knew she was right, but I really needed a distraction. It was so crappin' cold!
My sister must have figured what I was thinking, because she turned on the radio. It didn't help, but I was glad that she tried.
As I listened to the song, mumbling it under my breath, I turned and saw the moon. I'd always loved the moon, for no reason. It looked so strong and complete right now. It was almost full and lite up the winter sky like a light bulb.
I shivered and turned away because being so close to the window wasn't helping heat me up.
~ ~ ~
I jogged inside so I could warm up as much as possible, because I thought it necessary to feel all of my body parts, such as toes and fingers. As I closed the door and headed for the closet, taking off my coat while walking, I called out a greeting to my mom, working hard on the computer.
She called out that some kid had called well I was away and that she had scribbled out the number given, that it was in my room, and that I should call him back tonight. I frowned, thinking, Him? What guy is calling me? All my friends already had my cell number, so it was useless to call my home. And plus, I made it clear to all that I wasn't going to date, because I thought it was useless, so why was some guy who obviously didn't have my cell calling my home?
I went upstairs to find out.
- Mood:
mellow
I had a awesome Christmas Day and Eve. I got money for books! (= And more money for just general stuff. A sterling silver necklace from sis plus comfy pj pants; a iPod/fm radio adapter thing from "santa" along with chocolate and money (!); books, a picture and money from grandparents; a sweatshirt and gloves(that are rainbow!)from auntie and uncle + cousins; a handmade necklace from my bestie Olivia; and money for me and a charity of my choice from my adopted uncle(really just a family friend but I've known him all my life)!
Oh and, drum roll please, the early hand singed proofed copy of The Reckoning(!) that I get for winning the video contest. I cannot give away any of the secrets from the book though, at Kelley's request. Awesome right?
So, as my sister puts it, I got a very good hull this year! I'm very happy and thank everyone.
Lost my iPod and just found it yesterday in the most obvious place in my room, which I looked in before and it hadn't been there so I'm confused. I think I have some fay people (they are known for stealing)! ( ; hehe
I'm going to see Avatar, which from all my friend's reviews, is amazing, so I'm really looking forward to criticizing the acting and script. They director is well-known by me so I hope he's still as good as I remember. See if it can live up to my wishes.
So all together I've had a awesome time this break so far. Still have tons of time! Oh, and have already read the Reckoning twice all the way through.....(= I'm not supposed to give anything away, but this is just my opinion. It's the best of the series.
Thanks for reading,
B
Oh and, drum roll please, the early hand singed proofed copy of The Reckoning(!) that I get for winning the video contest. I cannot give away any of the secrets from the book though, at Kelley's request. Awesome right?
So, as my sister puts it, I got a very good hull this year! I'm very happy and thank everyone.
Lost my iPod and just found it yesterday in the most obvious place in my room, which I looked in before and it hadn't been there so I'm confused. I think I have some fay people (they are known for stealing)! ( ; hehe
I'm going to see Avatar, which from all my friend's reviews, is amazing, so I'm really looking forward to criticizing the acting and script. They director is well-known by me so I hope he's still as good as I remember. See if it can live up to my wishes.
So all together I've had a awesome time this break so far. Still have tons of time! Oh, and have already read the Reckoning twice all the way through.....(= I'm not supposed to give anything away, but this is just my opinion. It's the best of the series.
Thanks for reading,
B
- Mood: amused
- Music:Don't Speak Liar by We The Kings
Ahh Christmas! the time of year when we stuff our faces, rip paper and most of all...SING! We had the worst time getting a good CD last night after everyone went home. I wanted Church music, Bruce wanted jazz christmas, and mom just...was tired and Grandma liked it all. So I got clothes, the movie E.T (dont ask), slippers, and a epic picture from my aunt Sara's building of a large R2-D2 and then many smaller droids titled- "Droid Daycare" It is hilarious, and I am a Star wars nerd soooo...yah!
Oh and I almost got a Kindle. One of those new ebook readers from my Uncle. Only to barrow to see how I liked it, but they are going to Panama...Lucky them, and taking it with them so I was two steps from the door when they took it back. Wonderful Christmas!
Oh and I almost got a Kindle. One of those new ebook readers from my Uncle. Only to barrow to see how I liked it, but they are going to Panama...Lucky them, and taking it with them so I was two steps from the door when they took it back. Wonderful Christmas!
Shopping with B went well, thought she is to money contious that she didnt buy anything. But I got some cool stuff. Merry X-Mas To me, right? Also, dad is taking me up north, even in the Great blizzard of 09. So...yepp.
~Liv
Profile
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
bubblebbook- Bridget